Better Mental Health: Princeton Counseling Service

Professional, caring counselors for the challenging times in your life.

How Infidelity Affects Mental Health

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No one ever wants to be on the receiving end of romantic betrayal. The emotional pain of discovering that someone you love and trust has been cheating and lying to you can be overwhelming.

When you are the victim of massive deception and betrayal, it can leave you feeling sadness, confusion, resentment, and anger. Many victims also feel an increase in their anxiety and a decrease in their self-esteem. But infidelity doesn’t just affect our emotional health, it also affects our mental health.

In fact, many victims of infidelity experience the same symptoms that are linked to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), becoming totally disoriented and confused as to what has happened to them.

Some of the classic symptoms of PTSD often experienced by those whose partners have cheated on them are:

  • Looping intrusive thoughts
  • Inability to regulate emotions
  • Out of body experiences
  • Oscillating between feeling numb and rageful
  • Hyper alert (looking for new potential threats)
  • Feeling helpless and vulnerable
  • Confusion and disorientation
  • Problems with memory and cognition
  • Lack of trust

If you have been the victim of infidelity, then know that you, like a soldier returning from war, have been psychologically injured and you require tender care to set you on the path back to you.

Healing from Infidelity

As devastating as it can be to learn that your significant other has betrayed you in such an intimate way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can pick up the pieces of your life and find joy and comfort once again.

Here are some ways you can begin to heal after infidelity:

Be Gentle on Yourself

Don’t fall into the “I should have known…” trap. This is not your fault. Now is the time to be on your own side.

Breathe Deeply

Your emotions will be overwhelming for a little while. You will feel lost, anxious and panicky. When these feelings start to rise, STOP, take a slow deep breath and let it out. Take another one and another one. It is amazing how deep breathing can completely calm us almost instantly. Your breath will become your new best friend.

Seek Counseling

Remember, you’re not just healing from infidelity, you are healing from the PTSD that the infidelity caused. You will need some professional guidance to help you cope with the symptoms you are currently experiencing.

If you would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I would be happy to help you on your journey to becoming whole and happy once again.

Filed Under: Women's Issues

4 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Relationship

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If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you and your significant other have hit a snag in the relationship. Maybe you’re spending less time with each other and you’ve grown apart. Or maybe you do little else than argue these days.

All relationships go through their ups and downs. No matter the good intentions of the individuals or how in love you were when the relationship began, it is completely natural for a relationship to take a hit every now and then.

In some ways, these trials can be a good thing. Much like you need to break down muscle to build it up stronger than it was before, many relationships can be strengthened by challenges, provided your communication is healthy.

Here are some ways to improve communication in your relationship:

1. Recognize the Change

It’s important to be open and honest with yourself and each other. Don’t deny that something has changed in your relationship, admit it openly. You may also need to recognize that each of you has changed over the years. None of us stays the same. Our wants, needs, passions, annoyances, etc. change as we mature and grow as people. People can usually accommodate this change as long as they admit it has happened.

2. Validate Each Other’s Feelings

There are two words that are very powerful in communication, “Yes, and…” Effective communication is not about one person being right and the other wrong. Often, both people are right and allowed to feel their feelings. Try not to attack the other person or get them to compromise on issues. Instead, focus on simply being heard and hearing the other person.

3. Be Ready to Change

If you want to improve your communication as a means to get the other person to change their ways, you are really thinking about this communication thing all wrong! Good communication is not about winning an argument. This is not a debate class. Your goal is to better share your thoughts, feelings, ideas, hopes and struggles with each other. Don’t be so focused on getting the other person to change and focus more on how your own behavior could change.

4. Breathe

Managing your emotions is one of the most important skills when it comes to interpersonal interaction. How often are you ready to blow when you and your spouse or partner are speaking to each other? How does the communication breakdown once you or your partner have become emotional?

When communicating with your partner, or anyone, should you feel your emotions rise, stop, take a slow, deep breath, and let it out. Taking this moment is important and will help you not to say something you’ll regret or that will escalate the situation.

None of us are perfect. All we can do is try to be the best versions of ourselves we can be for ourselves and our loved ones. By following these communication tips you will be able to strengthen your relationships.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

Can Marriage Counseling Really Help Your Relationship?

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When I first started my practice, I remember reading a statistic about divorce that I found shocking. And that was that 40-50% of all marriages in the United States ended in divorce.

According to recent surveys, however, the divorce rate in the U.S. fell by 18% between 2008 and 2016. While everyone has their theory as to why the rate is falling, the theory among therapists is that it is because marriage counseling actually works, and more couples are giving it a try.

If you and your spouse are experiencing difficulties, here are some reasons why you should give marriage counseling a try:

Identifying Patterns

One of the biggest benefits of seeking counseling is having help seeing negative behavioral patterns, whether those patterns are yours as individuals and/or as a couple. Healing can only begin once patterns have been recognized.

Impartial Advice

A therapist is not like a friend or family member who is going to take sides and hand out potentially harmful advice. Marriage counselors have a track record of dealing with all sorts of marital issues and want to understand what’s going on so they can offer the best strategies for healing.

A Safe Space

Marriage counseling offers both spouses a safe space to be completely open and honest with their feelings. If not delivered in the right space, complete honesty can have adverse effects. Counseling offers a safe environment in which no one is ever judged.

A Place to Rebuild Trust

Trust is the bedrock of every relationship. But when that trust is broken, as it is through infidelity, it is hard to put the pieces back together. Marriage counselors have years of experience dealing with issues of infidelity. Counseling explores different ways to rebuild trust one step at a time.

Bringing Out Toxic Emotions

Did you know that trapped toxic emotions are one of the main reasons marriages break down? When you have feelings of anger, resentment and frustration locked deep inside you, they fester there and make matters worse. Counseling offers the space and opportunity to let these emotions out in healthy, respectful ways.

 

If your relationship is on the rocks right now, divorce is not your only solution. Thousands of couples have been helped by marriage counseling and it’s worth it to you both to give it a shot.

If you’d like to explore counseling, please be in touch. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Women's Issues

3 Steps to Self-Compassion

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“God, you can be so stupid sometimes.”

“Why would he be attracted to YOU?”

“You’re just going to screw this up.”

These are things you would probably never say to another human being unless you’re a real jerk. But how many of us have that inner critic that says these kinds of things all the time.

Most of us treat ourselves far more harshly than we would anyone else. And that’s a shame. In my experience, so much of the depression and anxiety my clients feel stems from a dysfunctional relationship they have with themselves.

But every day is a chance for you to develop a loving relationship with yourself. And the best way to do that is to practice self-compassion.

If that concept seems foreign to you or you are even uncomfortable with the idea of showing yourself compassion, then please keep reading to learn some simple but profound ways you can begin to practice self-compassion as a way to connect lovingly with yourself.

1. Become More Mindful of Your Feelings

Self-compassion is the pathway to emotional healing. But to begin, you must become more aware of your own emotions, especially as they relate to yourself.

Try to be more aware of when you are emotionally struggling with something. Perhaps you are feeling confused, desperate, or inadequate. Ordinarily, in these moments your inner critic may strike. But now, try and offer yourself kindness instead.

You may say something to yourself life, “I know you’re disappointed. And I also know you did your best. And I am so proud of you.”

If you are at a loss for the right words in these moments, simply talk to yourself as you would a friend, or better yet, a small child.

2. Monitor Yourself

Until you become used to being compassionate toward yourself, you’ll want to monitor the language you use. You are most likely so used to criticizing yourself that it will be far too easy for the wrong choice of words to come out. That’s okay. In these moments you certainly don’t want to scold yourself. Just be aware and make a compassionate correction.

3. Get Physical

There’s a phrase that says, “get out of your head and drop into your body.” This is a perfect way to begin the ritual of self-compassion.

Begin to use kind physical gestures with yourself. This could be gently stroking your cheeks and temples when you’re stressed, holding your hand over your heart when you’re sad, or holding your own hand when you feel lonely. Any physical gesture, so long as it’s loving, will help you show yourself true love and kindness in those moments.

For some people who have very low self-esteem, showing themselves compassion may prove to be incredibly difficult. In these cases, it’s a good idea to speak with a therapist who can help them uncover where the feelings stem from and how they can change their thoughts and behavior.

If you are interested in exploring treatment options, please get in touch with me. I would be happy to see how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Self-Esteem, Women's Issues

5 Strategies to Calm Your Anxiety Quickly

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When you live with an anxiety disorder, any moment can become one that creates a slow-rising panic within you. Life is normal one second and the next, you feel your chest tighten and your heart begin to race. You may begin to hyperfocus on future events and find yourself getting lost in “what-ifs.”

To make matters worse, you may then begin to berate yourself for allowing the panic to get the best of you and begin to believe that all of those what-ifs are indisputable facts.

Luckily there are many powerful tools and techniques you can use to manage your anxiety effectively.

Breathe Deeply

The minute you feel a panic attack coming on, the first thing to do is stop and gain control of your breath. Deep, slow breathing sends a signal to our brains that everything is safe in our environment. Controlled breathing is one of the most powerful ways to activate your body’s relaxation response. It will take your mind and body out of “fight or flight” mode and put it instantly into a calm and relaxed state.

Accept That You are Anxious

It’s important to always remember that anxiety is “just a feeling.” And like all feelings, it can go as quickly as it came. You are having an emotional reaction to a string of thoughts. Accept your anxiety because trying to pretend it’s not happening will only make matters worse.

Let’s be clear – by accepting your anxiety, you are not resigning yourself to a life of eternal misery. You are not throwing in the towel and trying to suddenly like your anxiety. Nope. You are simply living a more mindful existence, being in the moment, and accepting whatever is in that moment with you.

Your Emotions Cannot Kill You

One of the most frightening things about a panic attack is the feeling that you are having a heart attack. But you aren’t. Your brain can and will play tricks on you, trying to get you to believe that you are in physical danger. But the truth is, you are not in physical danger. You are having an episode based on emotions and it will pass. Remind yourself of that as many times as you need to.

Question Your Thoughts

When your panic attack begins, your mind begins to throw out all sorts of outlandish ideas at you, hoping some of them stick. These thoughts are intended to keep the panic attack going.

Before you take any of these thoughts as reality and truth, question them. For instance, if your mind throws things out like, “No one here likes me. I am for sure going to screw this up. I probably left the stove on. And I’ll no doubt get stuck in bad traffic on the way home and maybe even get a flat so I will then be stranded, and on and on and on…”

Questions these ideas. Are you TRULY not liked by everyone around you? Most likely not. Are you really going to screw up? Probably not. Traffic? Well, maybe but a flat tire? Chances are no.

Always question your thoughts. You will usually find the majority aren’t very realistic or probable.

Visualize

Picture somewhere serene that brings you peace and calm. Maybe this is your grandparents’ old house or a lake you’ve visited before. Maybe it’s that fantastic beachfront condo from your last vacation. Just picture it in your mind’s eye and really put yourself there. See it, smell it, feel it. Feel how calm it feels to be in this space that is perfectly comforting and safe.

Use these techniques the next time you experience an anxiety attack. They should help you feel much calmer much sooner.

If you would like to explore treatment options for your anxiety, please get in touch with me. I’d would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

 

Filed Under: Anxiety

Yes, Virginia, You Can Learn to Love… Okay Like, Exercise

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Hate exercising? You’re definitely not alone. At any time during the year, thousands of people across the country commit to working out, only to fall off the wagon weeks later.

So what gives? Why does exercising feel so hard and is there any possible way to like it more?

Exercise feels like a chore because there are so many misconceptions (AKA myths) out there surrounding it. The best way to like exercise is to put some of these myths to bed.

Let’s DO THIS…

Myth #1: You Need to Exercise X Minutes a Day for X Days a Week

Most people think there is a certain magical number of days and minutes of exercise, and if we hit it, we have exercised “enough.” But what happens is, people who are not in the best shape hit the gym hard for 45 minutes a day, 5 days a week. And this is simply too much for them all at once and they eventually quit.

There IS NO magic number. The real magic begins by simply moving your body more. So don’t focus on a number, focus on creating a better habit in yourself and moving your body more each day.

Myth #2: Exercise is Boring

Then you aren’t doing the right exercise for YOU. No one says you MUST take a spinning class or a yoga class. No one says you MUST run 5 miles a day or do 100 squats a day.

What do you enjoy? If you like dancing, take dance classes every week. Do you like to swim? Maybe you used to play tennis and it would be fun to get back into it.

There are almost endless activities and ways to move your body, so pick something that isn’t boring to you and do that.

Myth #3: No Pain, No Gain

Wrong.

Now I guess we should start by discussing what “pain” actually means. If you haven’t moved your body very much except to walk from the sofa to the kitchen to retrieve another beer, then yes, you can expect that your muscles might get a little sore. But sore and pain are NOT the same thing.

If, while you are working out, you feel any kind of real pain, STOP immediately. This is particularly true if you are over the age of 50 and very out of shape. Nothing should hurt on your body. This is a sign that you are pushing yourself too hard. When you workout so hard that you can barely move the next day… well, you are hardly going to want to do it all over again.

Go slow, pace yourself, don’t try and be a hero.

If you kick these 3 myths to the curb, choose an exercise you enjoy and just try and move your body a little bit each day, you may find that after a while you… (GASP!)… enjoy exercise!

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Sports / Exercise

Is Telehealth the Future of Therapy?

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As a result of the Coronavirus pandemic, many therapists have had to quickly pivot and offer their clients online sessions in an effort to help them to continue to make progress while at the same time abide by the social distancing guidelines to flatten the curve.

While it seems our country and the rest of the world are slowly opening back up, many of us have learned something very important during this crisis: telehealth offers clients something very valuable, and that is therapy on THEIR terms. It’s really not so surprising that telehealth is currently a $6 billion industry that is expected to reach $20 billion by 2025.

Here are just some of the benefits of “virtual therapy”:

Privacy

Traditionally, many people, especially those that live in smaller towns and cities, refuse to seek help from a therapist for fear people will find out. With telehealth, a patient can receive help from the comfort and privacy of their own home. This can be particularly helpful for therapists who treat teens and young adults who go to the same school/college and can feel ashamed of seeking professional help.

Telehealth is a Time Saver

Not many of us ever feel we have enough time in the day to accomplish all that we need to. You will find your clients will appreciate telehealth because it saves them having to deal with traffic, scheduling in possible long drive times, and looking for parking.

Flexibility

I have found in my own practice that those clients who often require my services the most are the ones that are overworked and often have scheduling conflicts. Telehealth helps you to offer clients timeslots outside of regular hours that you may not normally have available.

Clients Show Up on Time

Therapists benefit from telehealth as well. In any given month, many clients may show up late to an appointment. When a session can begin with the simple mouse-click, timeliness is greatly improved.

Cost Savings

Online therapy means a therapist can run their practice without the need of a front desk staff or paying for office space each month. This extra revenue can greatly impact their life.

These are only a handful of the benefits telehealth offers to both providers and patients. And while it will be a bit more time before clients and therapists fully embrace online therapy, the future looks bright.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Telehealth

Why Compliments Don’t Boost Self Esteem

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When a loved one is suffering from low self-esteem, it’s hard to know what to say. Naturally you want them to see themselves as you see them. You want them to feel joyful about the reality of who they are, not be mired down in the falsities they insist are truths.

In the past, you may have tried showering them with compliments, only to wonder why they never believed a word you said. People with low self-esteem have strong beliefs about themselves. While your compliment may be factually based (“You absolutely deserved that promotion – you worked so hard.”), your loved one’s beliefs will have them instantly dismissing it (“I just got lucky.”).

No matter what you say, and no matter how true it is, they will bat away every compliment you throw at them. There’s a very good reason why they do this. They don’t just have beliefs about themselves, they have emotionally charged beliefs about themselves. Any ideas offered that are contradicting, even well-intentioned and factual compliments, will be met with strong resistance. It’s simply too hard to “argue” with someone with an emotionally-driven belief.

3 Ways to Communicate with Someone with Low Self-Esteem

There are certain techniques therapists typically use when speaking with someone with low self-esteem. You may find these useful when trying to communicate with your own loved one.

1) Agree – Then Disagree

Find something in their statement you can agree with, then put a more positive spin on the rest.

Loved one: “Why do I act like the biggest loser most of the time?”

You: “Well, nobody is perfect (agreement) and I happen to know for a fact you’ve accomplished a lot in your life – more than many people.”

The idea here is to be subtle with positivity so there is no outright contradiction of their belief. You don’t want to turn off your loved one so they never listen to you again, you just want to gently coax them into considering that what you say might possibly, just possibly be true.

2. Use Metaphors

Using metaphors is a great way to present a positive possibility to your loved one without directly contradicting their belief.

Loved one: “At this point in my life, I’m pretty worthless.”

You: “Yeah, it can be really hard knowing your own worth, can’t it? I mean, a beautiful painting can’t possibly know how beautiful it really is, and a ruby doesn’t know how valuable it is.”

Try and change the subject right after offering this counterpoint so it has time to sink in.

3) Reframe Negatives into Positives

This one can be tricky but the idea is to gently reframe negatives into positives. As they say, a knife in the hands of a surgeon is very different from a knife in the hands of a robber.

Here’s a for instance:

Loved one: “My wife says I’m stubborn.”

You: “That’s interesting. In what other ways do you show such determination?”

See what you did there?

When interacting with a loved one with low self-esteem, refrain from blatant compliments and instead try using one or more of the techniques laid out. You may also suggest to your loved one that they speak with a therapist who can help them discover the cause of their self-esteem issues and offer tools to boost it.

If you or a loved one has low self-esteem and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Self-Esteem

4 Things You Need to Know About Adolescent Anxiety

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Anxiety is like fire: It can keep us safe and warm, or completely devastate our property and our lives. It’s good to be a little anxious at times. When walking down a deserted street at night, anxiety keeps us on alert and ready to fight or take flight should a dangerous situation arise.

But for many people, especially adolescents, anxiety can become the norm instead of the exception. Just walking into a classroom or being with a group of people they don’t know can become crisis situations. And, the more they experience these scary events, the more anxiety becomes a chronic condition.

Here are 4 things parents and teachers should know about adolescent anxiety.

1. Anxiety Refers to Physical Symptoms Associated with Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts such as, “No one will like me,” or “Everyone is going to think I’m stupid” come first. These thoughts are then followed by physical symptoms such as a stomach ache, diarrhea, or shaking and shallow breathing. Young people need to learn how to not only shift their thinking (“This will feel awkward but I’ll be okay”) but also cope with the physical stress (take slow, deep breaths). This will help kids know without a doubt they can handle uncomfortable feelings instead of avoiding them.

2. Dealing with Anxiety Requires Problem Solving Skills

Life is full of uncertainties and gray areas. Parents of very young children help them navigate through these situations. But adolescents must be equipped with problem solving skills so they may tolerate uncertainty instead of avoiding it, as avoidance only makes things worse and gives anxiety more power.

3. The Adolescent Mind is More Sensitive to Environmental Stress 

The adolescent mind is a jumble of chemical changes that can make any situation seem like time spent in a fun house. These hormonal changes make adolescence a particularly challenging time to cope with anxiety.

4. Anxiety is a Vicious Cycle

When young people are anxious, it’s easy for the adults around them to become anxious as a response. But, the more anxious parents and teachers are, the more controlling and inflexible they may become.

As adults, it’s important we manage our own anxiety around our kids and students so we can manage the overall situation much more effectively.

If you or a loved one is struggling with anxiety, therapy can help. If you’re interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Anxiety

Do You Know the Signs of Someone Who is Suicidal?

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According to the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, over 47,000 people died by suicide in the United States in 2017. In the same year, there were an estimated 1,400,000 suicide attempts.

Knowing the signs of suicide is the primary step in preventing someone you know and love from successfully taking their own life.

The Warning Signs of Suicide

Hopelessness

Many individuals who are contemplating ending their own life experience and express feelings of hopelessness.

Other Strong Emotions

Suicidal people may also experience and express excessive anger and rage and talk about seeking some kind of revenge.

Risky Behavior

People who are thinking about ending their own life start showing signs of risky behavior. Since their lives are not valuable in their own eyes, they may engage in certain behaviors, not caring about the consequences. This can be drinking and driving, experimenting with hard drug use, and spending time in unsafe parts of town.

Isolation

Have you noticed your loved one withdrawing from friends and family and isolating themselves more?

Trouble Sleeping

Suicidal individuals often experience great anxiety that causes them to suffer from insomnia. Has your loved one been complaining of not sleeping? Are they taking medication for sleep issues?

The above are warning signs that your loved one may be experiencing a deep depression that needs attention.

The following are three signs that your loved one needs some help IMMEDIATELY:

They’ve Come Right Out and Said It

Your loved one has actually verbalized a desire to harm themselves or kill themselves.

You’ve Discovered A Plan

You have somehow come to know that your loved one is actively planning their suicide by stocking pills or getting their hands on a weapon.

They Have Become Obsessed with Death

Many suicidal people, especially teenagers, begin talking or writing more and more about death or suicide in a positive light.

How You Can Help

Talking to someone you love about suicide can feel uncomfortable. You may be worried that by merely talking about it, you will somehow inspire the act. This just isn’t so.

Speaking with a loved one who is suicidal allows them to discuss openly their feelings and desire to end their life. Just opening up to someone who is supportive and non-judgmental can assist them in recognizing their need to get some help from a trained therapist.

For immediate help, please call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. All calls are confidential.

Filed Under: Depression, General, Self-Esteem