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Parenting Tips for your ‘Out of Control’ Child

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At one time or another, all parents feel like their child is acting “out of control.” But eventually this feeling passes as the event passes. But for some parents, an out-of-control child is not a fleeting phenomena but a 24/7 reality. These children constantly push the limits and seem to care very little (if at all) about the consequences.

If you are the parent of an out of control child, you must take steps to maintain your authority, not only for your child’s well-being, but for your own mental health. With this in mind, here are some tips for parenting an out of control child:

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Do you know why many kids test their parents and their boundaries? Because they have a strong need to feel safe and secure. If they test you and you don’t bend, your child will feel safe and secure knowing YOU are in control and they don’t have to be. When you make a rule and set boundaries, be sure to always follow through with consequences.

Be Very Clear

Kids don’t hear or process information like adults do. How you speak with colleagues or employees at work will not work with your kids. You have got to be 100% crystal clear. And it’s a really good idea to write down all household rules so they know EXACTLY what will be tolerated and what won’t.

Use Positive Language

No one – especially an out of control 8-year-old – likes to be told what they can’t do. Your kid will simply focus on that negative word CAN’T. Instead, always use positive language that describes what they CAN do once they have completed a chore. 

For instance, instead of saying, “No video games until you fold the laundry,” say, “You can watch video games once the laundry is folded.” It may seem like a subtle difference to your ears, but it will land much differently in theirs.

If you’ve tried these tips and others but are still having a hard time parenting your child, it may be time for family therapy. A trained therapist can help you and your child communicate and help your child discover why they are acting out, offering tools to change their behavior.

If you’d like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me.

SOURCES:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/help-my-kids-are-out-of-control-1094959

https://www.clevguard.com/parental-control/deal-with-out-of-control-kids/

Out of Control Kids – How to Deal With Out of Control Child

Filed Under: Parenting

Benefits of Co-Parenting (And How to Do It)

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When two people decide to separate or divorce, the first question they usually must answer is, “What’s best for the children?” Well, according to the Third International Conference on Shared Parenting, co-sponsored by the National Parents Organization and the International Council on Shared Parenting, children need both parents in their life, no matter how those two adults feel about each other. It is for this reason that most child health experts agree that co-parenting is in the best interests of children of divorce.

The latest research indicates that children of divorce, who have parents who agree to co-parent, can grow up just as well and adjusted as those children from homes where parents had successful marriages. They may actually fair a little better and have a lower divorce rate themselves and be more successful in their careers. Why is this?

Children that come from co-parenting learn how to proactively create good situations. They also see their parents working together for THEIR benefit, which gives them a healthy sense of self-worth. And, seeing parents successfully communicating with one another teaches them how to have good relationships with others.

Tips for Co-Parenting

Co-parenting will take some practice to get it right. Here are some tips for you and your parenting partner:

Make a Commitment

This journey will be bumpy. Make a commitment to your children and promise to have open and honest communication where their well-being is concerned.

Have Rules

Rules for each household should be agreed upon at the very beginning. Your children will test you both. Rules will help to ensure routine and structure, which they need greatly.

Avoid Negative Talk

While you may have issues with your ex, that is still your child’s parent. Refrain from “trash talking” the other around your children.

Seek Counsel

If you need help with lines of communication or help putting in place a comprehensive co-parenting plan, I encourage you to seek the guidance of a trained family therapist. He or she can navigate these choppy waters so everything is done with your child’s best interests in mind.

If you’d like to work with a family therapist who is caring, nurturing, and never judgmental, please reach out to my office.

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Parenting, Separation/Divorce

Creating a Parenting Plan

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In a perfect world, marriages would never dissolve. But divorce is a reality and one that impacts everyone involved, including the children. To help children feel safe and secure during the weeks and months that follow a divorce, it is important that both parties work together to come up with a co-parenting plan.

Keeping Your Children’s Best Interests in Mind

Simply put, a co-parenting plan is a comprehensive document that outlines how parents will continue to raise their children after a separation or divorce. This document will lay out things like how much time children will spend with each parent, how decisions – both major and minor – will be made moving forward, how the information will be shared and exchanged, and more.

While there are no hard and fast rules as to how a co-parenting plan should be formatted or what information should be included, it is vitally important to approach the plan’s development with your children’s best interests in mind. To create a helpful document, all issues, emotions, and pettiness should be put aside, and the focus should remain on what is best for your children.

Things to be Included

It’s important to mention that co-parenting plans may differ from state to state. Having said that, most will include the following five clauses:

1. A Brief General Statement

The plan will typically open with a general statement that the parents will be sharing responsibilities of parenting the child or children. This includes shared decision-making and shared daily routines.

2. Outline Parental Responsibilities

In this section, parents agree to communicate on all important aspects of the children’s welfare. This can include making decisions regarding health, education, and religious upbringing.

3. Specifics

This section can cover how you will actually arrange to time-share. This includes routine time, activity time, overnight stays, etc.

4. Holidays

Outline how you and your ex will handle holidays and other special observances.

5. Time Period and Amendments

All co-parenting plans should mention the length of the agreement and that the plan will need to be re-examined and possibly adjusted from time to time moving forward.

Again, these are very general guidelines. Your plan can be more explicit and specific to your situation.

Getting Help with Your Co-Parenting Plan

To create the right plan for your family, it’s recommended that you get some guidance. While a lawyer can help you with specific legalities, a family counselor can help you with communication. After all, you will need to navigate your emotions and be able to hear and be heard for the best interests of your children. A therapist can facilitate healthy and clear communication.

If you’d like to work with a family counselor to create a co-parenting plan that will help you both raise happy and successful children, please reach out to me.

RESOURCES:

Filed Under: Parenting, Separation/Divorce

Could Your Family Benefit from Family Counseling?

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Does your family love and support one another unconditionally? Do you have fun together? Do you find talking with your spouse and children is easy and effective?

If you had to really pause and think about your answers to these questions, there’s a chance your family may not be as cohesive as you once thought or hoped. And that’s okay, not every family acts like something out of a 1950s television sitcom. Most have their own fair share of problems.

If you’ve never considered working with a therapist before, here are some benefits of family therapy:

Improved Communication

There aren’t many families out there that have flawless communication skills. It’s actually far more common for family members to feel that they can’t open up to one another. This of course leads to a disconnect between spouses or parents and children.

A family therapist can facilitate effective and respectful communication between your family members.

You’ll Understand Your Kids Better

Do you find yourself going slightly insane in an attempt to understand why your one child lies so much? Are you scratching your head as to why your other child is constantly hitting your first child?

We all think because our kids are made from our DNA that we’ll have some magical insights into why they do what they do. Nope. The truth is, most parents are in a constant state of stupefaction over their child’s behavior.

Family therapy will help your child feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, giving you many A-ha moments.

Help Your Kids with Self-Esteem Issues

Healthy self-esteem is the foundation for a successful life. But unfortunately, many kids grow up feeling less than confident or good about themselves. A child with self-esteem issues may be the product of a parent with self-esteem issues.

The great news is, a family therapist can help both children and their parents build up their self-esteem to become happier individuals and, a happier family.

Help You Deal with Grief

Whether it’s a divorce or the loss of a loved one, most families are ill-equipped to handle loss, especially sudden loss. A family therapist can guide each one of your family members through the stages of grief so they can heal.

If you’re interested in exploring treatment options, please get I touch with me. I’d be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: General, Parenting

Helping Kids Cope with Divorce

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Divorce isn’t easy for anyone, but children can take it particularly hard. Many children don’t understand what is happening and many more feel the divorce is somehow their fault. 

 

Here’s how you can help your child cope:

Communicate Openly

The divorce should be explained in simple and straightforward terms. If at all possible, both parents should be part of the conversation. Your language should be tailored to the age of your children as well. So for instance, when speaking with very small children you might say something like, “Mommy and Daddy yell at each other a lot and everyone is feeling unhappy. So we have decided to live in different houses. But we love you very much and we will both take care of you still.”

Keep Things Predictable

Children do best when their environments are familiar and predictable. Do your best to provide the structure and routine your children have become used to.

Explain How Things Will Work

Many children will panic at the news, they will not understand how both Mommy and Daddy will both remain in their lives. So clearly explain how things will work going forward. “You will spend weekends with Daddy, and the rest of the time you will be here with Mommy.” You may also want to work on creating a calendar together so your child has something to refer to.

Never Speak Badly About Your Ex

Your ex may have caused you a lot of emotional pain in your relationship, but to your child, that ex is their mommy or daddy. Never speak unkindly about your child’s other parent.

Encourage Your Children to Speak Honestly About Their Emotions

Your child will sense that YOU are dealing with a lot of emotions, and, wanting to protect you, he or she will keep their emotions to themselves. It’s important that you encourage your children to talk to you candidly about how they are feeling. Let them know they can come to you at any time and talk to you whether they are scared, sad, or angry.

Seek Guidance

Everyone’s situation is different – and all children are different. Some may take the news better than others. You may find that your child is suffering more than you originally expected. If this happens, it may be a good idea to seek help from a trained family therapist, who can give all of you helpful coping tools.

 

If you would like to explore treatment options for your child, please get in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

 

SOURCES:

Filed Under: Children, Parenting, Separation/Divorce

How to Boost Your Self-Esteem

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What does it mean to have a healthy self-esteem?

Some people think it means you are okay with how you look. Other people think you must accomplish something big in your life to have a good self-esteem.

But the reality is, having a healthy self-esteem means you like and appreciate yourself faults and all. A good self-esteem can be the difference between being a happy, resilient individual, able to face life’s challenges head on, and someone who suffers from depression and anxiety and is often overwhelmed with life.

If you have struggled in the past with self-esteem issues, there are some things you can do to give it a much-needed boost:

Face the REAL Reality

Are you someone that generalizes your lack of self-esteem? By that I mean, do you make generalities about yourself such as, “I’m an idiot,” “I’m not pretty enough or smart enough?” The truth is, we all act like idiots from time-to-time, and most human beings on this planet can find someone who is smarter and more attractive than they are.

If you’re going to work on your self-esteem, you need to first recognize that you often lie to yourself with these generalities. It may be a very convincing lie from your point of view, but it’s still a lie.

To become familiar with reality, make a list of 10 of your strengths and 10 weaknesses. If you have a hard time coming up with your strengths, think about what others have said about you: you’re a good listener, you are thoughtful, you cook a mean burger.

When you’re done making this list, you’ll see there are plenty of things you are really good at. And, some of the weaknesses may be things you can absolutely change over time and with some effort.

Forget About Perfection

Perfection doesn’t exist. Now you may think all of those Hollywood A-listers that are on the cover of magazines are the epitome of perfection, but even they are air-brushed, photoshopped and have a team of people following them around so their hair is never out of place.

Stop spending your energy trying to have the perfect face, body, bank account, career, children or relationships. None of that exists. Focus your energy on achieving attainable goals like obtaining your degree and enjoying hobbies.

Get to Know Your Authentic Self

We spend so much of our lives comparing ourselves to others that we don’t really take the time to get to know ourselves. Beyond strengths and weaknesses, who are you as a person? What makes you happy or excites you? What hobbies do you enjoy? What kind of brother or sister are you?

The more you know about yourself, the more chances that you’ll find things out you really like.

If you would like to speak to someone about your self-esteem issues, please be in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Depression, General, Issues for Women, Parenting, Self-Esteem, Teens/Children

How to Bring Up Resilient Children

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Have you heard the phrase “helicopter parent?” It describes a mother or father that ‘hovers’ around their child 24/7, overseeing their life to keep them from every potential danger, pitfall and mishap. It looks good on paper, but this kind of parenting forgets one important fact of reality: life happens.

Adversity happens to all of us. Those children who engage with adversity in their formative years learn how to handle it well and come up with strategies and solutions. These are the kids that grow up to be resilient, getting right back up when life knocks them down a few pegs.

 

Here are some ways parents can raise resilient children:

Plant the Right Mindset

How your child sees the world and their own potential in it directly informs how they make decisions. Teach them a positive and empowering mindset from the beginning. Teach them that failure does not exist, only learning what works and what doesn’t. Failing grades and losing games aren’t the end of the world, though they may feel like it. What really matters is the commitment and effort they put into reaching their goal.

Don’t Meet Their Every Need

A child will never be able to develop their own coping strategies if someone is there every second making sure they never become hurt or disappointed. Do your best to NOT overprotect your children and give them some space to figure it out all on their own.

Help Your Children Connect

Social children who are well connected to others feel a sense of support and resilience. Authentic relationships provide a safe space and a person to talk to about their feelings. Help socialize your child as soon as possible so they can form deep connections on their own as they grow.

Let Them Take Some Risks

All parents want to keep their kids safe, but there comes a point when you’ve got to let go a bit and let them learn HOW to be safe on their own. For instance, one day your child will need to get their driver’s license. You can help that older child be a safe driver by allowing their younger self to ride their bicycle around the neighborhood. This will teach them to pay attention, look both ways, etc.

Teach Them the Right Skills

Instead of focusing on the ‘danger’ or uncomfortableness of a situation, teach your child how to navigate it. For instance, if he or she is going away to summer camp for the first time, brainstorm some ideas of how they can learn to be comfortable away from home. Pack their favorite blanket. Talk to them about calling you at certain times to check in. Teach them how to solve their own problems. This is one of the greatest gifts parents can give.

 

Resiliency isn’t something that’s automatically handed down to kids; it’s something that must be instilled and molded over time. Planting these seeds now will set your child up for success in their future.

Filed Under: Parenting, Teens/Children

Why Setting a Strong Female Role Model is Important for Your Daughter

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Every Halloween, little girls all over the country choose costumes that reflect what they want to be when they grow up. And each year we see many girls choosing to dress as princesses and fairies, kitty cats and maybe the odd super hero. Rarely do we see young girls dressing as executives, scientists, or world leaders.

It can seem benign enough, but it does beg the question: are young girls still under the impression their choices in life are limited? And what can parents, particularly mothers, do to set a good example?

The Importance of Role Models

If you are a runner, you probably know that for most of human history no one was able to run the 4-minute mile. In 1940, someone actually got to 4:01, and for nine years that is where the record stayed, with not one runner in the entire world being able to break it.

It seemed to everyone that the human body, no matter how fit and trained, would never be able to break that record. But then on May 6, 1954, Roger Bannister broke the 4-minute barrier, running the distance in 3:59.4.

And then a very interesting thing happened: barely a year after this feat, someone else ran a mile under 4 minutes, and then more runners did it, and then even more. Now it’s common practice for runners to run the mile in under 4 minutes.

Role models show others what is possible, and that’s powerful. Humans tend to not attempt things unless we believe it can be accomplished.

Our children learn from watching us. They learn how to think, act, and feel about themselves and the world around them. Here are some ways mothers can set a strong female role model for their daughters:

Body Image

It’s important for mothers to encourage their daughters to be healthy and strong, but not to obsess over beauty. It’s not enough to talk the talk, moms have got to take care of their bodies and health and accept themselves as they are.

Boundaries

Unless they are shown otherwise, young girls may grow up assuming they must constantly please others and never say no. Moms, it’s important to show your daughters that setting boundaries is healthy and necessary.

Confidence

Confidence comes from a mindset that failure and mistakes are merely chances to learn. It also comes from knowing strengths and abilities as well as limitations. In other words, confidence is a byproduct of knowing and accepting our true selves.

 

Are you having a hard time being the role model you’d like to be? Maybe you’re a stressed-out single parent who could use some coping strategies. If you’d like to speak with someone, please be in touch. I’d be happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201205/female-role-models-the-absent-conversation

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-about-kids/201205/i-could-do-why-role-models-matter

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beauty-sick/201705/gift-mothers-daughters

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201402/9-ways-be-the-best-role-model-you-can-be

https://www.nomeatathlete.com/4-minute-mile-certainty/

Filed Under: Issues for Women, Parenting

5 Ways to Get Your Teenager to Talk to You

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It’s tough trying to get your teen to talk. Science has shown that the teenager’s brain has yet to fully develop the frontal cortex, which is the area that controls our ability to reason, and to think before we act. As your teen’s brain develops, they’re also learning new things about themselves and their surrounding world; simultaneously, they’re dealing with hormonal changes out of their control.

For all of these reasons and more, it can be difficult to find ways to talk to your teen, or to get them to talk to you. Although it’s difficult, it’s not impossible; read on to find five ways to get your teenager to talk to you.

Learn to Listen

Take the time to listen to your teenager when they want to talk. Instead of saying you’ll talk to them later, step away from what you’re doing and listen to what they have to say. Don’t talk, interrupt or be quick to offer advice; just listen. Kids have thoughts and experiences that their parents don’t know about, and the best time to listen to them is when they’re asking to talk to you.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

As you listen to your teen, your knee jerk response may be to quickly resolve their issue, offer advice or maybe even dismiss their complaints or opinions. Put yourself in your teen’s shoes; think about how you would feel if your spouse responded to you the way you respond to them.

Watch for Signs

Everyone has a desire to be heard and understood. As you talk to your teen, mirror back to them what you hear them saying. Watch for signs that they’re not being heard or understood by you. They might roll their eyes, shake their head, wave their hand at you or interrupt. When they’re nodding and/or silent, you’ll know you’ve understood.

Ask Specific Questions

Ask your teen specific questions rather than general “how was your day?” questions. Ask questions about a friend you know by name. Ask about a sport they participate in or a teacher they like. Ask open ended questions such as, “What was Mr. Burton’s class like today?”, or “What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?”

Location, Location, Location

When and where you try to talk to your teen matters. One of the worst times to talk to kids is after school. Just like you do after work, they need wind-down time. Instead, ask questions around the dinner table. It’s casual, and there’s no pressure for eye contact. The car is another great place to talk to your teen (unless their friends are in the back seat); they feel more comfortable because you’re not looking at them.

If you’re having difficulty communicating with your teenager and need some help and guidance, a licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s set up a time to talk.

Filed Under: Parenting, Teens/Children

How to Talk to an Angry Teenager

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It’s well known that the teen years are the most trying time for parents. It may seem like their rebellion is personal, and that they’re determined to make your home life miserable; but in reality, this is a natural process. Your teenager is maturing both physically and emotionally, and their brain is still developing. When their frontal cortex develops in a few years, you will see a different person. Until that time however, talking to them can feel nearly impossible. Here are some tips for talking to your angry teen.

Change Your Parenting Style

If you have an authoritarian parenting style, you’ll need to switch styles. An authoritarian method of parenting will cause you to butt heads with your teen, resulting in increased anger and lack of resolution. Switch your style to an authoritative style to get better reactions. An authoritative parent explains their reasoning, gives consequences while taking their child’s feelings and other circumstances into consideration, and overall puts a great deal of effort into the relationship they’re developing with their child.

Frame the Conversation

When it’s time to have a conversation with your teen, first frame the conversation so they know that you’re not angry. If they think you’re angry, they’re more likely to get defensive or shut down. Because they’re unable to fully control their emotions or foresee the consequences of their behavior, they’re highly reactive and will immediately become irrationally angry. To avoid this, let them know that you are irritated, disappointed, or upset, but that you’re not angry with them.

Listen

Overall, it’s important to keep lines of communication open with your teen. You can turn anger into dialogue by simply making an effort to listen to and understand your teen, and ensure that you heard them and understand their feelings. Trying to give advice or enforce rules can break communication down when you need it to stay open.

Your teen is trying to figure out their identity as they go through many hormonal, growth and development changes that are out of their control. Understand that their anger is about asserting themselves or trying to separate themselves as an individual. This is a difficult time, and your teen needs empathy. Stay your child’s safe and secure base, so when they’ve calmed down or are growing out of this phase, they know where to come back.

If you’re a parent having a difficult time with a teenager, a licensed therapist can offer support and guidance for both of you. Call my office today so we can set up a time to talk.

Filed Under: Addiction, Anger, Parenting, Teens/Children