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How to Help Your Child Deal with Their Anger

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Many parents believe in the same myth: if they do everything right, their children will be happy. But that’s not how childhood works. No matter how much you love your child or how much you give to them in the way of attention and material items, kids are still going to experience all kinds of emotions, including anger.

While childhood is filled with fun and wonder, it is also a time when children often feel a lack of independence, scared, and confused by the world around them. These feelings, combined with growing pains, an increase in hormones and the pressure of doing well in school and extra-curricular activities, quite naturally leads to frustration and anger.

Here are some ways to help your child deal with their anger:

Recognize it’s Normal and Healthy

You can’t help your child if you see them as Damien from “The Omen.” The feeling of anger is completely normal and natural for human beings of all ages to experience. Approach your child with this attitude. Your job is not to STOP them from feeling anger, it’s to help them process their anger in constructive, not destructive, ways.

Stay Calm

If only your child chose to be angry on the days you didn’t have a fight with a coworker and then were stuck in traffic on the way home for an hour and a half. It’s important to remain calm when your child is having an anger fit, even on those days you feel like blowing your own top. This will not only help keep the situation under control, it will also teach them through action how to control their own emotions as they grow and develop.

Validate Your Child’s Anger

Never tell your child they shouldn’t feel something they are feeling. If they are feeling frustrated and angry, chances are there is a very good reason for it. So validate their anger. This can be as simple as saying, “You seem very upset right now,” instead of saying, “Hey, calm down, there’s no reason to get so angry.” Validating their feelings will help them identify their emotions and not feel bad or ashamed of them.

Help Them Release Their Energy

Help your child deal with their anger in positive ways instead of negative ways. Very young children may want to draw their anger. Older children may want to run around in the back yard. Teenagers may want to lift weights to get that energy out. Squeezing stress balls and bubble wrap is a fun way to get the anger out and it often ends in everyone having a good laugh.

Feeling anger is a natural part of life. Don’t make your child feel bad for their anger and don’t feel like you’ve somehow failed as a parent because your child experiences anger. Anger just is and we all have to learn to process it in healthy ways.

Some kids have more anger than others. In the case of a divorce or sudden death of a parent, a child may be dealing with the kind of anger that requires professional counseling. If you or someone you know has a child with extreme anger issues and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Anger, Teens/Children

How to Talk to an Angry Teenager

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It’s well known that the teen years are the most trying time for parents. It may seem like their rebellion is personal, and that they’re determined to make your home life miserable; but in reality, this is a natural process. Your teenager is maturing both physically and emotionally, and their brain is still developing. When their frontal cortex develops in a few years, you will see a different person. Until that time however, talking to them can feel nearly impossible. Here are some tips for talking to your angry teen.

Change Your Parenting Style

If you have an authoritarian parenting style, you’ll need to switch styles. An authoritarian method of parenting will cause you to butt heads with your teen, resulting in increased anger and lack of resolution. Switch your style to an authoritative style to get better reactions. An authoritative parent explains their reasoning, gives consequences while taking their child’s feelings and other circumstances into consideration, and overall puts a great deal of effort into the relationship they’re developing with their child.

Frame the Conversation

When it’s time to have a conversation with your teen, first frame the conversation so they know that you’re not angry. If they think you’re angry, they’re more likely to get defensive or shut down. Because they’re unable to fully control their emotions or foresee the consequences of their behavior, they’re highly reactive and will immediately become irrationally angry. To avoid this, let them know that you are irritated, disappointed, or upset, but that you’re not angry with them.

Listen

Overall, it’s important to keep lines of communication open with your teen. You can turn anger into dialogue by simply making an effort to listen to and understand your teen, and ensure that you heard them and understand their feelings. Trying to give advice or enforce rules can break communication down when you need it to stay open.

Your teen is trying to figure out their identity as they go through many hormonal, growth and development changes that are out of their control. Understand that their anger is about asserting themselves or trying to separate themselves as an individual. This is a difficult time, and your teen needs empathy. Stay your child’s safe and secure base, so when they’ve calmed down or are growing out of this phase, they know where to come back.

If you’re a parent having a difficult time with a teenager, a licensed therapist can offer support and guidance for both of you. Call my office today so we can set up a time to talk.

Filed Under: Addiction, Anger, Parenting, Teens/Children

How to Talk to a Loved One About Their Anger

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Anger is a normal emotion; one that everyone experiences from time to time, and one that’s healthy when expressed appropriately. However, for some people, anger is an emotion they express far too frequently, and in harmful and hurtful ways. Their anger gets out of control, and begins to seriously affect their life negatively.

If you have a loved one whose constant outbursts of anger can make them unpleasant to be around, you may be wondering what, if anything, you can do. There are ways you can encourage your loved one to get help. The first thing you need to do is determine how serious their anger issue is.

Recognizing a Serious Anger Issue

While only a trained professional is able to make a diagnosis of an anger disorder, as the loved one of the person with anger problems, there are signs and symptoms you should be able to recognize. If you or others tend to avoid this person because of their angry outbursts, that is one sign of a serious anger issue. You may also be aware of other problems your loved one may be having such as trouble with the law, an inability to maintain steady employment, and broken relationships. If you believe your loved one may have a serious problem with anger, then your next step is to talk to them about getting some help.

Talking to Your Loved One About Their Anger

It will come as no surprise that you can expect the conversation to be tense and difficult. However, if you care about your loved one, care about their quality of life and you want to continue to spend time with them, it’s important to have this discussion.

First, plan out what you’re going to say. Be sure to rely heavily on using “I” statements to avoid them feeling defensive. For example, “it scares me when you yell” instead of “you’re always yelling about everything.”

Next, choose a good, positive time to talk about the issue. Make sure you and your loved one are as comfortable as possible. Be sure to remain calm when speaking to them, and don’t get angry yourself no matter how much they may try to provoke you to anger. Make what you have to say brief but succinct, and finish the discussion by offering to take them to an anger management group or workshop, or to help them find someone to talk to.

Ultimately it’s up to your loved one to seek help, or to continue with their path of self-destructive behavior. If your loved one gets angry and refuses to discuss the issue or seek help, then it’s up to you to create and enforce your own healthy boundaries of what you are and are not willing to tolerate. Once you set your boundaries, be sure to stick to them.

Are you or partner struggling with anger, and need help managing it? A licensed mental health professional can help. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Anger, Family Therapy

Is My Anger Normal, Or Should I Seek Help?

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Life wouldn’t be life without those little irritants that push our buttons. And when our buttons get pushed, it’s completely natural to feel angry. In fact, anger is a normal emotion that can facilitate better communication and positive change when expressed appropriately.

But for some people, managing their own anger is challenging. Usually these people are the last to know they even have what others may describe as “toxic” or “out-of-control” anger. That’s because their loved ones have gotten used to regulating their anger for them by hiding their own feelings, choosing their words carefully, and walking on egg shells, all in an effort to “keep the peace.”

Common Reasons for Intense Anger

If you are uncertain whether or not you may have anger issues, read the following common reasons for intense anger and see if any of them ring true for you.

Anger as a Way to Self-Soothe

Self-medication, as a way to deal with life’s pain, is very common. For those with anger issues, there is a biochemical explanation as to why you may fly off the handle and often.

One of the hormones secreted by the brain during a fit of anger is called norepinephrine, which acts as an analgesic, or pain reliever. When we are triggered, often that trigger digs up deep wounds and past hurts, whether we are aware of it or not.

Becoming angry in the moment releases a powerful brain chemical that numbs our emotional pain so we don’t feel vulnerable, ignored, unimportant, rejected, or worthless. But as with any drug, a person can become addicted to their own anger because they become addicted to the chemical reaction of it.

Self-Empowerment

Another chemical released by the brain during a fit of anger is called epinephrine. While norepinephrine acts like a pain reliver, epinephrine acts like an amphetamine, allowing us to feel a sudden surge of energy throughout our entire body.

This adrenaline rush counteracts our feeling of powerlessness in the moment, or maybe in our life in general. How seductive is that? Many medical experts will tell you that epinephrine is every bit as addictive as alcohol and cocaine, so it’s no wonder so many people are addicted to their own anger.

“Safe” Attachment

Some of us don’t feel safe in a relationship without a safe bit of distance. This is typically a response to a parent or caretaker being unavailable, unresponsive, or untrustworthy in our past. The adult children of these types of parents feel the need to cultivate a certain emotional detachment in their relationships, and anger is a very effective way of doing that.

Tips for Managing Anger

1. Recognize the problem – As with a substance addiction, it’s important to recognize and admit you may have a problem.

2. Monitor your behavior – Keep an anger journal and log behavior you noticed or you were accused of by others. Note the incident, trigger, and the intensity of your anger from 0-10. Often just seeing your anger on paper will offer some insights into where it’s coming from.

3. Feel your anger but don’t act on it – Bottling up emotions is never the answer. It’s important for us to feel our feelings, ALL of them. But it’s equally important to regulate our actions. Walk away from potential fights and don’t send that angry email.

4. Get some help – Speaking with someone about your anger can often help. By uncovering the emotions underneath the anger, you can diffuse it and begin to heal from past traumas.

If you feel you may have an issue with anger and would like to explore therapy, please get in touch. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Anger

Stepping Back from the Edge: How to Deal with Anger in the Moment

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Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that everyone feels from time to time. But when you find yourself being caught off guard with unexpected anger or feeling anger at a time when you can’t express it, it can be difficult to cope with.

So, what can you do when you find yourself feeling anger unexpectedly? Below are some strategies to help you keep your calm and respond appropriately.

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
When you’re caught off guard with anger, you might start to feel defensive or emotional and not immediately know why. Before you do or say anything, assess your feelings and acknowledge that you’re angry, and what is the likely cause of the anger. “Our children got in a fight her child started, and she’s wrongfully blaming my daughter.”

2. Take a Breath
As you acknowledge you’re upset, stop and take a breath. Put physical distance between you and the other person by taking a couple of steps back.

3. Be Curious Instead of Furious
If you have difficulty controlling your anger, it can be all too easy to jump instantly into furious mode and unleash your anger. Instead of being angry, be curious. Consider why this person is behaving this way, or saying these things. Maybe they had a bad morning or heard some upsetting news.

4. It’s Not Personal
Remind yourself that this isn’t personal to you. Oftentimes when people are behaving inappropriately or saying hurtful things, it’s because of things going on with them in their own lives. Practice reminding yourself that it’s not personal to you.

5. Use “I” Statements
When you’re upset, it might not always be appropriate to respond. Sometimes it’s best to just walk away. But if you do need to say something, focus on the behavior you find unacceptable without placing blame. Talk specifically about your feelings and the effect of the behavior on you. By communicating without placing blame, you are more likely to be understood and work toward a resolution, rather than putting the other person on defense and starting a conflict.

If you’re still feeling upset after a difficult exchange, try calling a friend to vent, write your feelings down in a letter you’ll never send, or do some exercise. Go for a walk, or join a friend for spin class. Do something nice for yourself later, like cooking a special dinner or taking a hot bath. When it comes to anger, remember that in the long run it’s best for you to control it, rather than allow it to control you.

Are you having difficulty managing your emotions? Is anger beginning to have a significant negative impact on your life and relationships? A licensed mental health professional specializing in anger management can help. Call my office today and we can schedule an appointment to talk.

Filed Under: Anger